I have certainly been very up and down over the last month. It is funny how it can switch so quickly, for example this morning I felt positive for getting up and going to church. After that I really enjoyed having friends over for a cuppa and a play date for our children. Then my mood collapsed.
My counsellor has been trying to encourage me to think about the reasons for the low mood rather than being angry for myself for feeling this way. Today a grumpy 2 year old, a very heavy period, anxiety about work (most sundays for me) and my mind thinking through things from filling in the form for the insurance company for our fence someone drove into last week to what new car we are going to get.
In my counselling session on Friday we talked about how much of the lowness comes from the overwhelmed brain. I become so tired because it doesn’t ever stop. I become irritable because I can’t process all the little parts. I become down because I start worrying about things. My counsellor is always encouraging me to talk about things. She says even discussing something from my brain with someone can help lift the fog.
But there it is the crux of the problem. I can’t talk. Obviously I don’t mean literally, but I can’t talk about anything that involves feelings or emotions. So what ends up happening is everything big and small ends up building up in my head, weighting me down and dragging me into depression.
This is why with friends I’m always “fine”. Everything is always ok. This is why i find I end up listening to others most of the time and really enjoy it being that way round. Talking about anything with emotion fills me with dread. Just thinking about it leads to physical symptoms such as a tightness of chest.
The counsellor said that when I am ready we will explore why this is. But right now I’m not ready to go there. I still feel like I’m teetering on the edge of sinking back into the depths of depression and right now I’m too scared to go there again.
Long term I’m going to have to broach this area. Not talking about anything to anyone, including my husband continues to make me ill. Long term if I want to sustain my mental health I need to try to overcome this. Long term I know this is the key to being free of the depression.
In the mean time, writing my blog is my escape. It’s a way of letting out some of what I’m feeling. It is a temporary release of my emotions. It is helping me stay well.