Depressed Teacher 2- I am trying!

I have been back at work for nearly 6 weeks. It hasn’t completely gone to plan. I went back unwell. I’ve been trying so hard. I hope people can see it. I hope people know that I am not quite myself. I hope people know that I am trying to do my job whilst still feeling quite ill.

There have been some positives about returning. I certainly have more purpose back in my life. My self-confidence is certainly improving. I don’t feel like a complete failure all the time (just some of the time). I have actually enjoyed interacting with people a little more. I have actually rediscovered my passion for the job.

Teaching requires so much passion these days. It is not a job for the feint hearted. The hours can be long. The pressure immense. The expectations from others burdensome. The behaviour of the students a challenge. It is relentless. Planning, teaching, marking, preparing, assessing to name just a few of the roles I undertake on a daily basis. You have to love it to be committed to stay.

Teachers work so hard. I remember when I was younger my Dad used to wind up my elder cousins who were teachers by saying they only worked 9-3pm, they had long holidays and an easy life. I lived at home for 3 years after university whilst I working as a year 2 teacher. My Mum said your Dad quickly changed his mind about teachers when he saw how much work you did, especially in the evenings and the holidays. It wasn’t quite the easy profession he had believed.

So what has gone well at work in the last 5 weeks? What am I happy with?

• I rediscovered my love of teaching. At its basics I like children/teenagers. I have always enjoyed interacting with them. Trying to understand them. Challenging them. Teaching them something new still gives me a buzz.
• I have a fantastic group of close colleagues who I work with every day who I really get on with. They have been amazing since I have got back. They have reassured me. Listened to me. Understood me. Been there for me.
• Planning lessons is actually something I am good at. The RE curriculum might have changed. The ethical stance may have become less. The content may not appeal to the students as it used to. But I can still do it. I can still turn something that appears “boring” to a teenager into “wow Miss I actually get that”.
• I like being busy with work. I am on a phased return and at times found the classroom daunting, scary and the students intimidating. But there are other parts I have thrived getting involved in. I love the complexities of the timetable. I love resourcing new schemes of work. I love organising groupings for next year. I was right not to give up the HOD role. So much of it inspires me!

I am trying to hold onto these glimmers of light. Much of work still feels very uncomfortable. I certainly don’t feel at home with it again yet. I am certainly putting on a mask most days. I am certainly pretending to be ok when I am not. So what am I finding difficult.

• As with any job you return and everyone expects you to be back to normal. The other factor is do people know why you have been off? Do people know you are phasing back slowly? Today in a very stressful and anxiety induced situation for me somebody made me feel 100 times worse. Their words and comments hurt. They are still there hours on. It wasn’t that persons fault they probably have no idea what they did. They were only doing their job. And in their eyes I should have been doing mine more effectively but right now I can’t. I felt like running after that. Leaving there and then but my rational brain kicked in luckily.
• Teaching is hard. Teenagers don’t give you much room for mistakes. Today I had two groups that challenged me with their behaviour. Me on top form would have sorted them out. Me, currently far from top form didn’t deal with it effectively. I rather utilised the support in the room with me (kindly provided by my employer) to help. Being honest the lessons were fine. The students were just a bit chatty that’s all but the depressed me now over plays this. The anxious me now translates this into worry for the next lesson.
• The depression and the anxiety mean that I am not in control of my emotions. This means I don’t react very well to small changes or things that I am unhappy with. I become enraged (all internally) and tend to make rash judgements. I tend to rush decisions and jump in feet first. The calm wait and see, take one step at a time type person is absent from class right now.

So overall it’s going ok. I was meant to be up to my full timetable of three days a week by now but I’m not there. I have beaten myself up a lot about this. I have questioned this. I have thought I am going to get sacked over and over again. My brain is still very poorly. It is just about coping with what has been thrown at it.

It was a huge thing to go back so unwell. I have just about made a success of it I think. I am hoping and praying I can survive a few more lessons now, a couple more days and then it is the six week holidays. I am seeing that as a chance for the medication to start working. I am seeing that as a chance to spend quality time (the best time) with my husband and children. I am seeing September as the time I will be fully well and back to being the teacher I wish to be.

And still my friends say stop. Take one step at a time. Don’t rush your recovery. You will be well in your own time. Don’t put a time limit on it. It’s hard to accept but I think they are right.