One of the most difficult parts of depression for me is the liar which lives in my mind. It is very hard to explain what this is like in reality. Most people perhaps have different thoughts flying through their brain every day. But for me I live fighting off these negative thoughts.
A very good friend of mine suffers from the most awful night terrors. The things she has shared with me are seriously frightening. Now I have never had a night terror. I’ve had many nightmares but actually it is more my nightly dreams that are causing me most trouble lately.
I spend my nights either awake with anxiety or asleep having dreams which stir up my anxiety further. Many dreams at the moment seem to be me struggling at work. Me failing. Me needing time off. Me needing people to help. Me being back in the position where I am unwell and can’t be at work.
Awaking from these dreams it can take ages to fully process. I wake up scared, anxious and stressed and it can take a while for me to realise it was just a dream and not reality.
Once awake my the pathological liar kicks into over drive. You are rubbish. Everyone hates you. You are annoying. She is avoiding you. She is cross with me. She doesn’t like me. She is fed up with me.
With work (even on my day off). I can’t teach. Yesterday’s lesson was rubbish. I made a fool of myself by doing this. I didn’t handle this situation well. I am useless. My observed lesson on Friday will be a disaster.
Then it picks on one point. As an example Friday I am being observed teaching a lesson.When well I really don’t mind being observed. It doesn’t give me any worry. I know I can teach I just do my normal job and it usually goes great. In fact I thrive in this situation and love to show off my skills.
But right now on the brink it has caused me so much anxiety and stress. Last week before I had planned the lesson I was the lowest I had been in months due to the worry.
Today the pathological liar in my head started with coming up reasons for not going to work on Friday. My wrist hurts too much. Maybe one of the boys will be unwell. Maybe I will be unwell.
It’s the negative and poorly part of my brain kicking in. This is not me! This is not who I am! This is not my normal. This is the depression and anxiety running overboard in my head.
I hate the pathological liar in my head. I hate the way it changes me. I hate the way it ruins my everyday day and night.
Overthinking. Negativity. A LIAR lives in my head! I spend nights and day at the moment fighting this liar. I have to push it back. I have to stomp on it or it will take me over again. I feel like I am tired because I am constantly trying to contain the monster in my head.