Please not again

I feel like I’m sinking. There are still glimmers of light, but they feel small and difficult to hold onto. At work I actually seem to be coping ok. Still enjoying the job. Mainly thriving with the pressure and stress.

Outside my world is seriously falling apart. My poor husband. Tonight all I have done is snapped at him. Tonight all I have done has made him feel useless. Tonight all I have done is boss him around. I feel so horrendously guilty for how I have been treating him.

I can’t really explain what is going on. I don’t really understand why this is happening. All I can say is I feel incredibly unwell again.

Today has been very difficult. Being at home with my youngest son has been very quiet. Nobody to have a conversation with. Having a stranger fixing something in the house unsettling as I couldn’t relax. My mind has completely wondered into the deepest darkest hole.

Today I have had a deep and all consuming urge to sleep. I have been desperate for my bed. Craved it. Unfortunately it hasn’t really been possible. A 2 year old has kind of put a stop to that!

At the same time the binge eating which is really another sign of depression taking hold has been spiralling. It is an awful catch 22 situation. I hate my body, but yet I can’t stop the binge eating which makes it worse.

Today the self harm has been rife. Today the anger with my self is high. Today my mind is at war. Today I feel like giving up.

The depression curse: I’m really poorly.

I haven’t written a blog post in over two weeks, the longest period between accounts since I started this blog back in May. Depression is overcoming me. I am isolating myself. I am absolutely exhausted.

To the outside world I’ve been well. Certainly at work I have been thriving. With no time to think. Being constantly challenged. Trying to support a colleague. I’ve managed to take control and shown the best of me. However, perhaps inevitably the stress, pressure and high workload are having an effect on my mental health too.

In other ways I am also being an amazing actress again. I’ve started running again. I’ve been going twice a week with a colleague and friend and at home I’ve tried to do one exercise session at the weekend (usually with two kids jumping on top of me). It would appear to others that I am well, motivated and getting stronger.

Nevertheless this all feels like a show. It is taking enormous amount of effort to keep these areas going. Combined with the image I am trying to portray with friends and family, I feel like I could hibernate for the rest of the winter.

Well it’s time for some heartbreaking honesty. I’m poorly again. I’m struggling so much. I’m feeling very low. It’s so hard to admit this at the moment. This post is almost impossible to write. I feel like I might delete it even before I post it.

I am scared of certain people reading this. Friends and family. I think my husband has already worked out I’m not great at the moment so this probably isn’t a surprise for him. To others there will be disbelief or shock. I’m breaking the illusion.

So what’s going on? I’m not entirely sure. I’m feeling so very low. Completely numb. Devoid of emotions. Almost like I’m sinking into a swamp of confusion. Almost like I’m lost in a dense fog. Almost like I’m being tortured by my own brain.

I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate who I am. My self esteem and self image are not existent. I don’t believe there is anything good about me. I pick at every hole. I pick at every decision. I pick at my own body, the self harm is rife.

Externally I am very snappy at my children. I feel like I have lost all patience. With my husband I am constantly pushing him away, feeling consumed by my own world. With friends I refuse to talk about anything with feelings or emotions. I am there on the surface but underneath my mind is wondering. I have lost enthusiasm for my Facebook group, twitter and communicating with people I have started to know.

Mostly I’m absolutely shattered. I feel so so tired. I have a deep wish to spend a week in bed. I would probably sleep for most of it. I want to hide from the world.

I’m also upset with myself. I’m very angry with myself. I’m cross that this illness is consuming me again. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like I’m worthless. Im sorry I have let you down.

Why can’t I talk about it?

I have certainly been very up and down over the last month. It is funny how it can switch so quickly, for example this morning I felt positive for getting up and going to church. After that I really enjoyed having friends over for a cuppa and a play date for our children. Then my mood collapsed.

My counsellor has been trying to encourage me to think about the reasons for the low mood rather than being angry for myself for feeling this way. Today a grumpy 2 year old, a very heavy period, anxiety about work (most sundays for me) and my mind thinking through things from filling in the form for the insurance company for our fence someone drove into last week to what new car we are going to get.

In my counselling session on Friday we talked about how much of the lowness comes from the overwhelmed brain. I become so tired because it doesn’t ever stop. I become irritable because I can’t process all the little parts. I become down because I start worrying about things. My counsellor is always encouraging me to talk about things. She says even discussing something from my brain with someone can help lift the fog.

But there it is the crux of the problem. I can’t talk. Obviously I don’t mean literally, but I can’t talk about anything that involves feelings or emotions. So what ends up happening is everything big and small ends up building up in my head, weighting me down and dragging me into depression.

This is why with friends I’m always “fine”. Everything is always ok. This is why i find I end up listening to others most of the time and really enjoy it being that way round. Talking about anything with emotion fills me with dread. Just thinking about it leads to physical symptoms such as a tightness of chest.

The counsellor said that when I am ready we will explore why this is. But right now I’m not ready to go there. I still feel like I’m teetering on the edge of sinking back into the depths of depression and right now I’m too scared to go there again.

Long term I’m going to have to broach this area. Not talking about anything to anyone, including my husband continues to make me ill. Long term if I want to sustain my mental health I need to try to overcome this. Long term I know this is the key to being free of the depression.

In the mean time, writing my blog is my escape. It’s a way of letting out some of what I’m feeling. It is a temporary release of my emotions. It is helping me stay well.