I feel like I’m sinking. There are still glimmers of light, but they feel small and difficult to hold onto. At work I actually seem to be coping ok. Still enjoying the job. Mainly thriving with the pressure and stress.
Outside my world is seriously falling apart. My poor husband. Tonight all I have done is snapped at him. Tonight all I have done has made him feel useless. Tonight all I have done is boss him around. I feel so horrendously guilty for how I have been treating him.
I can’t really explain what is going on. I don’t really understand why this is happening. All I can say is I feel incredibly unwell again.
Today has been very difficult. Being at home with my youngest son has been very quiet. Nobody to have a conversation with. Having a stranger fixing something in the house unsettling as I couldn’t relax. My mind has completely wondered into the deepest darkest hole.
Today I have had a deep and all consuming urge to sleep. I have been desperate for my bed. Craved it. Unfortunately it hasn’t really been possible. A 2 year old has kind of put a stop to that!
At the same time the binge eating which is really another sign of depression taking hold has been spiralling. It is an awful catch 22 situation. I hate my body, but yet I can’t stop the binge eating which makes it worse.
Today the self harm has been rife. Today the anger with my self is high. Today my mind is at war. Today I feel like giving up.