A troubled past

Last week was half term. This meant a week off school (work) for myself and my husband and a week off school and nursery for my two children. What a wonderfully happy week it was in so many ways. Great family time including visits to soft play, lunch with my parents, time with friends and also some quality couple time for me and my husband.

We all really needed the break. Exhaustion and illness had certainly made life at home a challenge over the past few weeks. Everyone was tired, stressed, and very very grumpy.

The holiday gave us all space. Time to just be. To chill. To relax and take stock of the last few weeks. Within a few days everyone seemed to be more relaxed. There was certainly less stroppy behaviour from my children and the adults were more reasonable as well!

But by the end of the week I realised despite enjoying myself and having a very happy week I was still struggling with the depression. I realised that deep under the surface the total hatred of myself is still very much alive.

So I started to think about why. I began to question the feelings. Why within me is this deep well of hate? Why do I feel so poorly? Why do I self harm every day? Why do I question my every judgment? Why do I think about suicide?

It made me think even more about why i have these feelings. It made me explore more into my past. With my counsellor I have spoken about some events that have clearly impacted on me but there are other things that I have never discussed with a soul. Last week has made me realise I might need to open this very difficult door if I am going to heal.

So Friday in my counselling session I broached the subject. It was extremely tough and I only scratched the surface. I haven’t even opened up about all of it yet! I also feel like my memory of events are a blur. I feel like I have blocked so much away. I feel like it has truly affected who I am.

My counsellor said how proud she was of me for sharing. She explained what a long journey it will be. She reassured me she will always be there to listen and help me through it.

Many have a troubled past. Many have it much worse than mine. Many have things that affect their present. I hope to start to overcome mine so I can stop hating myself.

Being a mum with depression

Illness illness everywhere,

Coughs and colds and virus’

Sick bugs, fevers they all are striking,

Making my children too stroppy for my liking.

Is it me? Am I the cause of their behaviour?

Is it me? Have I led them down the wrong path?

Is it me? Am I such a bad mother?

Is it me? Would they be better off with another?

Every evening my house has felt like a battleground,

It’s hard to keep calm when we are all so tired and uptight,

The depression means I lack as much patience as usual

The depression means blaming myself is completely normal.

I’m longing for spring and the warmth it brings,

I’m longing for spring and the end of the illnesses.

I’m longing for the depression to disappear

I’m longing for strength to come near.

Next week is half term a break from work,

Next week my eldest son can have time off school to regroup,

Next week is a chance to have some family time

Next week let’s hope the depression is last in line.