What a liar.

Last night my mental health hit rock bottom again. I feel so upset with myself. I keep going backwards.

The problem is I don’t think I have ever got over what caused it to first rear its head 8 years ago. Part of the breakthrough I had with my counsellor on Friday showed me that I have actually been ill for an awfully long time. Yes I managed to push it to the back of my mind for 7 years whilst I found my husband, got married and had my children but really it was still there. Hidden under the surface.

Today I have hidden this anguish and pain. I have hidden how poorly I feel. I have hidden the desperation. I have hidden the wish to give up. Many times I have been asked “how are you” and each I have lied “good thanks”. I’m sorry for lying to you. I’m sorry for not being honest and open.

I have got on with my job today despite not wanting to go on anymore. I have held meetings. I have taught classes. I have even volunteered and done extra duties to help out a colleague.

I’ve done all this without showing anyone how I really feel. A burden. A failure. Absolutely exhausted. The depression absolutely overcoming my soul.

I don’t want this anymore;

No more pain please I’ve had enough

No more dull grey I need some colour

No more exhaustion I want some energy

No more life I want it all to end

No more hating myself I wish I could accept who I am

No more self judgement I want to find a spark of joy

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know where to turn

I don’t know how to keep going

Poorly for too long now.

I just want it all to end.

Please go away and give me a break.

Please God I’m so alone.

Please God help me see the path ahead.

A breakthrough?

Tonight was the first time I have ever felt the emotion bubbling in a counselling session.

I haven’t been able to tap into my emotions for years. I have pushed them aside. Bottled them up. Kept them firmly out of reach.

Tonight was different. A new location. A different space. A light evening. Feeling more alive. I spoke more freely. I opened up a little more.

I realised more and more how long I have been unwell. I started to process how things have affected my life. I started to look at traumatic events in my past.

I started to piece together some of my past. I understood how things are perhaps connected.

At the end of it all I could feel the emotions building. I actively didn’t want to go any further because I was scared of what might happen. I was scared of letting go. The surge of emotions made me feel sick. It was all so weird.

I was happy that this finally happened. Not completely but it’s s start. My counsellor was so supportive and keen to encourage me to take this very slow. She said I need to be sure I can handle where these conversations will go.

Let’s hope it’s the start of dealing with how I feel. Going below the surface for the first time.

Why I’ve been hiding…

Blogging has been taking more and more of a smaller role in my life recently. There are many reasons for this but perhaps the main one is I’m hiding. But more of that later.

Firstly, football manager has come into my life again. A game from my childhood; I used to play it on my pc years ago! I recently downloaded the latest version on my iPhone and I’m hooked.

Yes I know I’m a girl but I love football (I keep it well hidden from some). Well anyone who is a fan of the game will know how addictive it can be. I have take Crewe from league 2 to the premiership, won the fa cup with them and I’m also now managing France.

Ok so many of you have switched off now. Boring. But in reality, just like Netflix also works for me in the same way, it has been my way of drifting off into a different world. Forgetting how I feel. Moving on from the emotions riddling through my brain. It’s a great escape.

Secondly then is the hiding going on behind the lack of the blog posts. Over the past few weeks I have been struggling to write because I am scared of being truthful with others.

More than anything I don’t want people to know how in really feeling. I don’t want to let my husband down. I don’t want my friends to think “not again, is she ever going to be over this?”. I also know friends who want me to see the gp are perhaps right but I’m happy in my denial of it all phase!

The problem is I’m so pleased my husband shared my blog with family and friends but now it becomes more scary when I write a post. My writing comes from my heart. My writing is full of honesty. My writing is who I am. But ask yourself this how many of you pour your soul onto paper? Out of those how many of you share it with people who know you? I do but sometimes it is hard to cope with.

When you feel like a failure every day of your life it’s so hard to open up and share that with people that see you. With people that know you. With people that see me coping. To tell them it’s all a lie or a front is very difficult. I don’t want to let them down. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want the depression to win. I’m sorry.