This morning was a new low for me. Never before (even when I was off work for 6 months) have I felt as bad mentally as I did this morning. With no reason for the depths it was crippling.
I felt like the black dog was sat on my head. I could barely carry my head on my shoulders. I felt like the storm cloud was pouring down on me. I felt sick with anxiety, which I couldn’t pin point a cause to. I felt lifeless. I felt dead inside.
I got up with my boys as it was my husbands turn for a lie in. I pushed myself so hard to feel better. I even made healthy muffins in an attempt to refocus the brain. It didn’t help.
By 9am I was lying on the bed staring into space. I craved just lying there all day (like I have done before). More than ever before, to a deeper extent, I felt like depression was eating away at my soul. It was like I was truly losing who I was.
I forced myself into the day. With a husband streaming with hay fever and complaining that I am so hard to live with when I am like this (which I am). His concern that I must take some time off work because I can’t go in like this, kicked me into action (I’m desperate not to let work down again).
I forced myself into the shower and started to tackle the smallest of tasks. My youngest and I popped to Tesco whilst the eldest and my husband navigated the tennis lesson.
After lunch I sat in our lean to outside feeling that the dementors from Harry Potter had truly stole every living part of me. I was trying to put on a brave face for my husband and children whilst snapping at them so easily. I finally gave in and went for a nap.
Being woken an hour and a half later by my youngest putting teddies around my head, I felt extremely groggy. My head was that horrible, gritty sleepy that I get if I sleep too long in the day. But thankfully the depression had lifted a bit.
As I told my husband I will take the sleepy grogginess over the depression any day. He commented that I was brighter. I was. I felt i could feel again. I felt like life was there for me again.
Please don’t expect people with depression and anxiety to always explain why they are ill. There isn’t always a reason. I have a poorly head. My brain is sick. I don’t necessarily need to have had something happen in my life to cause that.
Please don’t call people who commit suicide selfish. If you have never experienced depression you can’t possibly understand what it truly feels like. People who commit suicide do not want to die. They are instead desperate to end the pain of depression. It is the worst feeling you can ever encounter.
It isn’t like the pain of childbirth or other extreme physical pain. It is a deep and gut wrenching ache. It’s like someone has cored our your heart and soul as easily as you core an apple.
Please don’t judge.