I haven’t written a blog post for quite a while and the truth is this is because I have been really well. The truth is when I am well I don’t need to write. The truth is when I am poorly (and unable to talk about how I’m feeling) blogging is a very cathartic process.
Truth be known I’m not finding it easy to share with anyone how unwell I am at the moment. Even for those that do know I’ve hardly spoken a word. With a friend (who is also my boss) I wrote a list, unable to speak. She then contacted (with my permission) two people who she knew could help. Others I have either not said a word and hidden it perfectly or I have just said very little.
Honestly I don’t want to share because I’m scared. I truly believe that people are completely fed up of this endless cycle of depression that I never seem to get out of. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to be felt of as a waste of space. Mostly because I already feel that of myself!
Currently I’m doing a good acting job most of the time. For many reasons, which are deep and subconscious and which I will not go into now, work is impossible; but I am hoping that most wouldn’t realise it. I’m still teaching with enthusiasm and vigour. I’m still managing my job (mostly). I’m still making conversation and smiling politely.
In the last week 3 different people, once knowing how ill I truly am have urged me to get signed off. But I am clinging on desperately. Being off ill in the past I currently don’t want to go down that road. Why when even though those who know are urging me to for my own health? For a few reasons 1. I don’t want to be a let down at work again 2. I am scared of being off because sometimes the loneliness of it can lead me to spiral 3. I want a new job and being off sick is not a good selling point!
I’ve even been lying to my counsellor and telling her everything is well. Next Friday is meant to be my last session after 18 months. Last session when I’m at such a low point, I know madness. I think the only sense I have reasoned right now is that after cancelling yesterday’s session, next week when I go I will be honest and extend it for now.
I’m not sure where this current depression will lead. I know it’s really bad in my head right now. I know all the worst bits of the past are very real. I know isolation is not a good plan for I’m scared to do anything else. Perhaps this blog post at least stops the isolation a little.