My grandad

I know writing this is going to make me stream with tears but I want the world to know what an amazing man you were.

I could tell you about his life but this is not the time for a eulogy. Instead I want the world to know what you meant to me.

You had the kindness smile.

You always asked how I was.

You always showed interest in me.

I loved the tennis games we played into your seventies.

You always made me laugh.

You told the best stories.

You had such a cheeky side.

The bravest man I have ever known.

A fighter even when everyone else would have given up.

Someone who loved life.

You arguing with my nan which was always forgotten in a moment.

Your complete love and devotion to my nan (she was your wife for 77 years)

Your values and beliefs were strong.

Even on my last visit to you in December your character shone through. Dialysis, blindness, fragility, cancer…house bound but what a man. You smiled and laughed at my two boys. I could see how much you wanted to interact with them. You made me laugh about the nurse you had spoken to in the hospital whilst on the dialysis machine the day before. And despite how poorly you were your upmost interest and love for your family because that always came first.

Every day you have inspired me. Fighting in world war 2, the loss of your child and later your grandchild and nothing stopped your spirit.

I have so many happy memories and the last one I have is my youngest son kissing you on the lips goodbye the last time I saw you. 4 generations in one room that day and now you’ve gone but forever in my heart.

An overload and I’m scared

All was going well till Wednesday evening. Then an overload hit and my already fragile state feels poorly.

  • My grandad can no longer have dialysis and he will die very soon. He is 97 so he has a good and long life. But it’s rocked me. He is my inspiration. I have always admired him and loved talking to him. He is so special to me.
  • My dad’s Alzheimer’s is so much worse. I don’t like to share too much here as my mum and dad are very private and there are people who know him who may read this, but all I can say is it’s going downhill fast and although I knew things would happen, it doesn’t make it any easier.
  • My mum is finding it hard to cope with my dad. With my grandad dying it isn’t helping. He is my dad’s dad but it is my mum having to deal with that too. And it’s me who tries so desperately to be her rock.
  • Finally my rock is poorly. My husband is off work with stress and he is very wobbly and shaky. I am trying to support him in every way possible and I hope he knows I will always be there for him. He keeps apologising because he says he should be strong for me right now but things don’t work quite like that in life.

Right now the build up of life is impossible. I’m terribly overwhelmed. In a weird way I feel better than I did a week ago as I’m purposefully trying to hold it together for everyone. But underneath I’m incredibly wobbly. I can really feel the illness circling me like vultures. I’m desperately swatting it away.

I’ve told some colleagues, I’ve told a friend and I’ve told a boss; all to try and get the support there if the fall occurs. Currently I’m ok. Ok as in life is pretty rubbish right now but I’m ticking all the boxes and keeping going.