My grandad

I know writing this is going to make me stream with tears but I want the world to know what an amazing man you were.

I could tell you about his life but this is not the time for a eulogy. Instead I want the world to know what you meant to me.

You had the kindness smile.

You always asked how I was.

You always showed interest in me.

I loved the tennis games we played into your seventies.

You always made me laugh.

You told the best stories.

You had such a cheeky side.

The bravest man I have ever known.

A fighter even when everyone else would have given up.

Someone who loved life.

You arguing with my nan which was always forgotten in a moment.

Your complete love and devotion to my nan (she was your wife for 77 years)

Your values and beliefs were strong.

Even on my last visit to you in December your character shone through. Dialysis, blindness, fragility, cancer…house bound but what a man. You smiled and laughed at my two boys. I could see how much you wanted to interact with them. You made me laugh about the nurse you had spoken to in the hospital whilst on the dialysis machine the day before. And despite how poorly you were your upmost interest and love for your family because that always came first.

Every day you have inspired me. Fighting in world war 2, the loss of your child and later your grandchild and nothing stopped your spirit.

I have so many happy memories and the last one I have is my youngest son kissing you on the lips goodbye the last time I saw you. 4 generations in one room that day and now you’ve gone but forever in my heart.

An overload and I’m scared

All was going well till Wednesday evening. Then an overload hit and my already fragile state feels poorly.

  • My grandad can no longer have dialysis and he will die very soon. He is 97 so he has a good and long life. But it’s rocked me. He is my inspiration. I have always admired him and loved talking to him. He is so special to me.
  • My dad’s Alzheimer’s is so much worse. I don’t like to share too much here as my mum and dad are very private and there are people who know him who may read this, but all I can say is it’s going downhill fast and although I knew things would happen, it doesn’t make it any easier.
  • My mum is finding it hard to cope with my dad. With my grandad dying it isn’t helping. He is my dad’s dad but it is my mum having to deal with that too. And it’s me who tries so desperately to be her rock.
  • Finally my rock is poorly. My husband is off work with stress and he is very wobbly and shaky. I am trying to support him in every way possible and I hope he knows I will always be there for him. He keeps apologising because he says he should be strong for me right now but things don’t work quite like that in life.

Right now the build up of life is impossible. I’m terribly overwhelmed. In a weird way I feel better than I did a week ago as I’m purposefully trying to hold it together for everyone. But underneath I’m incredibly wobbly. I can really feel the illness circling me like vultures. I’m desperately swatting it away.

I’ve told some colleagues, I’ve told a friend and I’ve told a boss; all to try and get the support there if the fall occurs. Currently I’m ok. Ok as in life is pretty rubbish right now but I’m ticking all the boxes and keeping going.

A-z of what makes me happy.

I recently was reading stronger together's blog post stating the a-z of what makes her happy and I thought I would do the same

Depression sometimes means you fail to see the happiness around you. It is like the black dog is sitting on top of your face blinding your eyes from all the happy times. So it is good to remind yourself of the glimmers of light in your world.

A = Alan! My husband he had to be on this list. He is my rock, my inspiration, my everything. He is the only person who sees the true Becky. He is the only person in the world I feel 100% comfortable with.

B = beach. I love being by the seaside. I love walking along the beach. I can remember times where my friend Liz and I have played on the beach (in our twenties) as some of my best moments.

C = chocolate. I've never been a drinker, I can happily be the designated driver which my husband loves, but chocolate I have a real soft spot for.

D = dogs. I have never owned a dog but my mum and dad's closest and oldest friends always have. I grew up going on holidays with the dog, looking after the dog. Man's best friend is certainly true for me. My favourite are golden retrievers; poppy was my best friend.

E = education. It's been my passion always. When at school I loved it. Now as a teacher I love it. Enough said.

F = family time. I love being with my family. Spending time together. This morning my boys were chasing each other round in circles in and out of the house. It was so special hearing their giggles, sharing their joy.

G = garden. My safe haven. 84ft of it. I just sit in it and feel my self chill. I'm also proud of it as it's coming on slowly even though both alan and I are not gardeners.

H = headspace. My last post was about the need for it. It is so true I would collapse without it. I need time for my head to process the mess that is inside it.

I = ice cream. Chocolate in particular. My current favourite Tesco finest. I recommend trying it!

J = Jacob. My eldest son. Nearly 4 (I can't believe it). The most sensitive soul in the world (just like his mother). But also the kindest. Such a good reader of feelings and emotions. So empathetic.

K = kitchen. Only recently we tore off the old tile on a roll wallpaper. Our great friend Mike plastered it. Alan painted it. My mum and dad helped clean it and suddenly it is a pleasant space to sit in. It was worth the effort.

L = lie ins. Bit of a sucker for these I'm afraid. They have to be shared with alan now as someone has to get up with the boys but I do love a good lie in and it can set me off on a good way for the day.

M = Manchester United. My team. I am obsessed. It's all Dominic Rentle's fault. My dad and one brother support Tottenham and so did I until spending every holiday with the Rentle's meant I was indoctrinated into Man U worship. I wouldn't change it for the world!

N = Netflix. Truly this has been my life line over the past few months. When I was off work, I was so ill I couldn't bring myself to do anything. Bed was my haven. Netflix took me into a different world. My best was watching the series that just transported me out of the real world for a little while. Watched so many but 12 monkeys from Netflix and handmaids tale from channel 4 have been my recent favourites.

O = organisation. I like to have everything planned out. It makes me calmer and less stressed.

P = parents. This is my mum and dad and my mother in law. They are very important in my life. I love seeing my children playing with them. They also give me time to myself by having my children when I need some space.

Q = quiet time. Shhhhh.

R = running. To be honest I don't enjoy this but it does make me feel better. Recently I have been running with a friend and colleague and it makes it much easier and a little more enjoyable.

S = sunshine. There is something about the summer and sunshine that makes me happy. I love being out in the garden and a bit of sunshine helps with that. The warmth of the sun, the paddling pool out with my boys playing …great combinations.

T = Thomas. My youngest son. The cheeky chap he is. He is such a monkey. Complete opposite to my eldest.

U = underwear. (New) nothing like a new pair of pants or bra!

V = visiting friends. I love catching up with friends. Especially when they understand my depression and care for me.

W = workmates (some current and some of the past). It is so important to have people you work with who you get on with. Otherwise work can be isolating and stressful. Lighthearted relief with workmates helps!

X = xxxx (kisses). Who doesn't need these! Husband kisses. Jacob peck kisses. Thomas open mouthed kisses.

Y = Yorkshire puddings. Nothing quite like one. My favourite part of a Sunday lunch. Covered in gravy helps.

Z = zoo. Love my days out with my family at the zoo. Whipsnade and London zoo have been a regular location for family trips over the past few years.

I have enjoyed writing this post! W should have been writing as well. It has become a bit of a life line recently. Sat writing this list in lister hospital waiting to see my 96 year old grandad. He inspires me everyday! Thanks to my husband and mother in law for helping with a few suggestions!