So it’s slowly been coming back. Today was always going to be a massive step for me. It felt like it was make or break. In reality it wasn’t as extreme as that at all!
This time last year I was starting to feel extremely unwell. The stress of work and home was becoming too much. The depression which I live with was starting to rear its head.
At this point last year on the day of my lesson observation I had a panic attack at break time.It was so bad. A friend and boss had wanted to send me home but I was determined to stay for my lesson observation period 5. I did the observation and it went ok considering how unwell I was!
This was the start of the end for me last year. It certainly wasn’t the lesson observation that made me unwell but looking back it signals to me the time of when it all started going wrong.
So today a year on and another lesson observation. The one I had been in a state about for over a week. The one that the pathological liar in my head had tried to pollute and poison me with negativity that I wouldn’t be able to cope with it.
Last night in bed I was telling my husband that I wasn’t going to work tomorrow. I couldn’t do it. I was going to fail. I am a rubbish teacher and a failure. Today I had a mountain to climb before the lesson had even begun. I had to persuade myself I could at least attempt it.
The classic “are you ok?” This phrase came from a number of sources this morning! Was I oozing doubt and worry? The classic “I’m fine”. I was far from fine but desperately trying to hold it altogether for fear of falling apart completely.
So the end of the day it’s all over! Relief is my major emotion right now. But I’m also so proud of myself! Yes I know that’s a miracle coming from my head! I have no idea what the lesson was graded I haven’t had any feedback yet but wow I was shocked at how well it went. My very difficult, loud and challenging year 11 group spent an hour on task. They really engaged in the carousel activities I set up. They worked as a team. They even drew in those who don’t engage well.
More than anything I loved teaching them. I can really see improvements being made. On a feedback sheet some of them were asked to fill in they were so
positive.
In the car on the way home (I still can’t drive so my husband picked me up) it was great to hear how happy he was for me too! He also put it all into perspective when he said think about this time last year. We agreed I was in a completely different place then. Things were spiralling out of control. It was the beginning of the deep depression that would consume me for most part of a year. Right now things are good. Yes I’m having lots of blips. Lots of lows. Lots of depression or anxiety points. But they are not continuous or deep. Mostly I’m managing them well. Mostly I’m keeping the illness in check.
So thank you for anyone who has stuck with me. Thank you for taking the time to ask if I am ok. I am sorry I am not always honest with my response but all I can say is it means the world to me that you took the time to ask and care. Thank you to my amazing department for putting up with me! You make me laugh everyday which really helps especially the chair episode today! Thanks to my friends and husband who reassure me through my constant self doubt. And finally thanks to the students I teach who inspire me to be a better teacher everyday.
Shatter the stigma 